Perfect Husband!!!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.       
              
                Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
              
               (H – Husband, W – Wife)
               
                H – “ Hello ?”
              
                W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? “
              
                H – “Yes.”
               
                W -”Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
                          
                H -”What’s the price?”
              
                W – “Only $1,000.”
                                            
                H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

                W -”Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…
                                 
                H – “What price did he quote you?”
              
                W – “Only $65,000…”
                          
                H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
               
                W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…
              
                H -”What?”
              
                W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
              
                 H – “How much are they asking?”
              
                W – “Only $450,000 — a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
                           
                H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?”
            
                W – “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
                            
                H – “ Bye…I love you too…“
                      
                The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks ” Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???”

The 5 min management course!!!

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel, “

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies..

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure , why not..”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

India and Names..

India has always been assosciated with interesting(also multiple) names. Starting with the name of the country itself, I dont think any other country has so many names.. Hindustan, India, Bharat…. Indians seem to have an obsession with names, starting from ages ago itself. Why else will the hindu gods have so many names, just try and imagine yourself in that position… you will go crazy with just 5 names.. poor gods. Each one of them have hundreds,some even thousands…, just think about it.. in light of the recent announcement in Delhi about ID proof for every1.. Name is to identify some one or something. What is the need for multiple names for a single god? As it is there are thousands of them.. with enough of temples.. and there’s the belief that you get loads of ‘punya’ by reciting all those names.. Of course the god’ll pay.. he needs some1 to remind him of all his names..

You can get the taste of this naming frenzy by just looking around in any busy street. Every shop, from the hotel to the small paan shop, from the stationary shop to the cobbler kiosk..have names. I have always wondered about it, as no one else other than the owner himself will notice the shop name.. Anyways these names’ll be almost hidden in the huge hoardings of the brands in the shop. Also am puzzled on the logic with which they name… just think.. Sri Raghavendra mutton stall, Gandhi wine shop… The next one.. is absolutely heights… naming their vehicles. People proudly stick the names of their kids, loved ones, gods.. that too in photo reflective materials. Auto rickshaws go a step further and write ‘I love you ____’ on their rear ends… Some even post a ‘thanks to’… I really cant imagine who would be interested in knowing about someone’s kids, whom he loves..or whatever when they are standing at a traffic signal.

On a positive note.. Indians also come up with the most innovative and wonderful names. Think of Infosys.. it definitely rates as one of the best names. Who else can come up with all those millions of names for the gods which even today serves as a database, when naming babies.

As a parting note.. Just think of all the nicknames for an NRI with the name… “Jalakridasamasakta gopivastrapaharakaswami”…

Bench is Heaven!!

 Yes! Bench. Some people dread it, some love it. I am not sure what I feel. From my personal experience, I think its good for a short period.. you can have fun.. browsing, chatting, roaming whatever you want. But it gets a bit boring as time goes.. God knows why these companies hire so many people if they dont need them. But I’m not complaining, its everyone’s dream to get paid for doing nothing or doing what you want rather.

All my friends who joined recently in various software companies were put on bench, the shortest time is mine.. for 2 weeks. I came to know that one entire accenture facility is on bench.. can you believe it?

Coming to heaven, Its a place thats supposed to be ideal.. as in.. you get to do what you want. Same on bench. So it matches perfectly. Thought the presence of angels(urvashis and menakas) depends on your company. No one asks you anything. Its true some companies keep swipe in and swipe out times. They are intelligent too. Their offices will be located in such ‘far from fun’ areas that even if you want to roam around until your swipe out time, you can find nothing(like theatres, parks, coffee day..) within a radius of 5 kms.

Lets look at the term ‘bench’. Ever thought why or how it got coined? All these companies provide soft push back chairs for their employees.. so where s the question of bench?

Benches are supposed to be hard wooden furnitures which though uncomfortable after sometime, can seat many people. I think its this definition is what made the term get the meaning we are discussing. There are many people, its gets uncomfortable after sometime..(you get frustratingly bored).. so it matches perfectly.

Bench also makes you try things which you wouldn’t even dream doing.Look at me.. I started blogging from today.. I hate writing.. essays, articles.. I always thought I cant put my thoughts into words.. Now.. This is my second blog. and I am loving it..  It’s not so tough after all..So in conclusion, whatever happens.. take it positively..  Consider bench as its classical meaning goes.. its a place to sit and relax.. in parks, etc. So.. do just that.. chill out..

Well.. I got bored. Since there’s no swipe out time for me… I’ll leave now..

Once again.. cheers to bench..